Inner Peace a Road to Healing

So, it's been a while since I had the courage to get on this blog and get back to what I consider to be the real work. Having said that let's get right to it.

A recent conversation with the avatar formerly named Spirit Child started a deep dive into who and what I have exhibited as myself. A critical look into what is referred to as the Dark night of the soul, revealed some ugly truths about where I Truly was at this juncture in my life.

In my journey to self-realization and a wake-up call to where I was headed, I ultimately landed in a self-imposed purgatory and truthfully in order to save me from me it was exactly where I needed to be.

Only the brave can travel down this path because it requires you to look in the mirror, be really honest, and raw and rip off the band-aid and become one with the pain and the injury you caused to yourself and likely the ones around you who you love. The fear of inadequacy and not being enough has been a constant struggle in my life. I ventured a guess as to where this started and realized that growing up competition was always a part of my life.

At an early age an unhealth dose of competition started between myself and my sister, we were pitted against one another from birth, having two different fathers and learning about this at a very early age prompted resentment in her, and in myself an unhealthy nurturing that eventually resulted in me catering to her needs, wishes and wants.

In time this pattern spilled over into this obsessive behavior in everyone around me. Always feeling like I had to fix the world of the people around me. I became really good at taking care of others and leaving just enough behind for myself.

Years would pass and my need to be accepted turned into my need to feel needed, I was always the first person with "the plan," always the one you could depend on to get the job done and efficiently. The problem with this is you cripple people when you take away from their ability to problem solve and fix things for themself.

When you are the benefactor of help you don't want help to stop so during this time no one person ever said what about you? No one ever said what do you do for yourself I only heard you are a good sister, friend, great aunt, dependable and we can always count on you. Meh...for me that was just the fuel I needed to keep going not realizing I was dooming myself and harming myself and it was all disguised under the fallacy of me caring.

In one of my few and far in between relationships my then boyfriend said to me "who takes care of you," not realizing I was later being set up for a fall, I was like "what do you mean who takes care of me, I take care of myself. Filled with indignation. I retreated into my shell thinking to myself does it really appear that I am incapable, what the #uck does he mean, I take care of my child, work multiple jobs, I look out for my family, I volunteer at church and other organization what do you mean who takes care of me?

Now for a smart person, one would think I would have realized he meant something entirely different. This one question turned into a cacophony of internal musings ultimately leading to me giving him a piece of my mind. It never occurred to me he was asking me with everything you do for others who gives this back to you in return.

An even smarter person would not take a simple question and tuck it away into the heart internalize this and secretly carry this pain around inside of me.

Well one would think it would be needless to speak on however this man became the benefactor of my efficient self-propelled concierge service. I associated my self-worth with how much I could do for others and thus the cycle began again. I could clean my house, make sure the girls had the proper outfit, all of the latest whatever. adopt a family member to further show how capable I was of taking care of things and fixing problems. I could clean his home, be a consummate lover "I thought," look good in public and be the perfect hostess on demand.

It wasn't until one day this man said to me, I made him feel like I was checking off a tasks list that although he loved my big and caring heart, he felt the things I did for him were empty action. It eventually led to him seeing other women because "what the hell did I need a man for. if I took care of everything myself.

I thought it pertinent to give a glimpse into the back story to get to today's story, for half a second, I grew up and started holding people accountable for their crap I hit the big 40 moved away from home and started a new journey. I had a few dollars in my pocket and a tank full of gas, so I headed south to where I currently reside and yes, I said reside because I have no home of my own.

I moved, met the man of my dreams and although to those who look upon us, they couldn't understand our life nor our love but let me tell you love in not all roses and chocolate. Love is some hard work and true love does not seek to destroy or cause harm. People not being grown and truthful about who and what they are can and will.

In the beginning I thought I can finally breath, I made the mistake of saying I did not want to think for myself. I just wanted someone to make decisions for me. I made the mistake of saying I just want to get in and fit in where I can. I made the mistake of saying I was okay with the lifestyle he had, which became the lifestyle I chose to live in.

I met a man who actually meant what he said, and although this man is spoiled, arrogant AF, and gets on my last nerve he was the wakeup call I needed. Now don't get me wrong, in our life we had real competition over golf, fishing, marksmanship, and turn tables. This man my husband, challenged me to my soul, we both are well educated, come from vastly different backgrounds, and somehow in our world the craziness fit and was harmony until it was not.

I became complacent, was never a jealous person but a lifetime of dating what I call professional whores for lack of better terminology seeded a resentment towards men. A lifetime of abuse from and by men in various ways rooted an internal hatred for men that I did not even consciously recognize existed. What I did know even if unconsciously was when in doubt and generally propelled by fear I cocoon. I clean retreat into myself, disengage, and emotionally cut off the world and unfortunately the ones closets to me.

In a former life I must have been a brick mason because I can throw up a wall with lightning speed. I somehow equated all of the chores, meals, loans, and or gifts as my spiritual currency and my get out of jail card. I thought in giving of myself selflessly or so I thought was the good Samaritan. I did not know I was ultimately the food for the other foolish altruist spiraling into an abyss of do-gooders.

For so long I only knew how to do what I always do and in my actions towards my man, my children and friends, I did not realize this is my weapon to fight with. In my mind all of the superficial things I do for others is my way of showing I care.

The problem with doing things for others, even though on the surface they are acts of kindness it's not. I equated these acts of service with my self-worth. The day the mister said to me, "I brought nothing of value to our relationship," body blow! Really, did this MoFo just tell me all the things I do here in the house have no value.

Reality check, it was not the acts, it was however me hearing him say "I had no value." those are two entirely different things.

"Pain point," so screw you I don't hear you anymore. We went on and on like this for years, I would do more of the same so I thought, and we would get worse.

Now let me be clear, he did things that pissed me off too but, at the time I was too big of a coward to really address my issues in a grown woman way. Instead of accusing and point fingers, I should have been upfront and honest about what I was incapable and unwilling to do to remain in our relationship.

I was more afraid of being honest thinking if I spoke up it may have ultimately led to the demise of our relationship. In reality, I was wrecking our friendship. At the very least it would have allowed me to bow out gracefully before it imploded in my face. I was running to fear, instead of running to my husband.

I became attached to working on the dreams and goals of the relationship and failed miserably at my own goals and dreams.

I spent more time doing what I always do in being a fixer for everyone else. I failed at fixing me. I let my plans fall by the wayside too comfortable and complacent in just existing. As we tend to do or at least what I did by the time I was hyped up enough about the perception of being taken advantage of the walls came crashing down and I only had me.

Yes of course my homies were there to console and offer words of encouragement, some offered words that would only have made the matter worse but thankfully I connected to the real me. You see buried deep down inside of me under all the hurt, past all the pain, past all the buried muck was my Spirit.

Sitting in my own pile of pity, was the broken little spirit, the proverbial phoenix ready to rise out of the ashes of the fairy tale kingdom and build her own queendom. Now before you buy me a ticket on the neo-feminists express let me emphatically state that is NOT what I am talking about.

The queendom is providence, the queendom is knowledge of self, the queendom is standing in dominion of my own life and my own spirit. It is a metaphysical truth about living in the best avatar of the real you. Truth of the matter nothing short of what the mister was telling me all the time.

I could not hear him because in my mind he was telling me that I could do nothing right, and I often asked, "Is there anything I do right." When you are ruled by pain everything at least for me became an attack on my character and I felt like it was an admonishment. Internalizing this I transferred this anxiety that I did not want to deal with towards him and ultimately pushed him away.

I was pissed off at the mister for calling me a fake ass magician, and truthfully it hurt more than it pissed me off. I never claimed to be a magician, I never claimed to be unique, I do what resonates with my spirit, I know and knew that there is nothing external that makes me powerful, I only had to remember that everything I needed was inside of me. In my darkness I remembered to tap into my own energy the kingdom of heaven is within it is not a physical destination.

A friend asked me if I felt like I was in competition with my siblings for my father's affection and attention...this pissed me off as well but for a different reason. Of course, I said I was not, because I was not. I have had to remind a few people that I am not a dummy.

I have a whole lot of letters behind my name, but it means nothing when you allow the people around you to make you feel stupid for being smart. I could not compete for affection that I lost a long time ago

It's a fact, not a big ego, when you put in the work, and you earn those letters, make people put some respect on it. Not by throwing it up in their face, but more importantly by living the life those letters represent. The proof is in the pudding!

Herein lies an unavoidable consequence, when you put in the work and live in dominion of you, you won't have to tell people who you are. If they give two thoughts...they will be able to see who you really are as your life will be a testament to that truth.

In my darkest days, I was able to see the little glimmer of light in the corner and that was my proverbial north star out of the darkness. I challenge you to really sit with yourself peel back some layers and find out who you really are so you can truly live in truth and become the greatest version of you.

Now, for those of you who still doubt the process. The day I decided to truly stop living in fear I put the words to images. The result is what I present to you now.

"Confessions of a Virtuous Woman."

Ase'

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